Fighting Schizoaffective Disorder - Andrew D. Gadtke - 1.800.707.4756

Marked by Joy

Andrew Gadtke — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 03:48:18 GMT

A Testimony by Andrew D. Gadtke

     Up until the age of twenty-four, I had always considered all religious thinking to be delusional. I was a scientist who sought after truth, after all, and I knew better – I had an impeccable mind for sifting through these ill-conceived ideas of faith. But all of that changed when I was told by a psychiatrist on October 15, 2004 that I had paranoid schizophrenia, an illness characterized by a person’s inability to understand the truth about reality. My lifelong goal had been to find truth, but the psychiatrist told me that my mind was cut off from the truth, imprisoned inside a world of delusion. What followed was the beginning of my quest for spiritual truth. The important aspects of this quest, ranging from my life at the outset through identifying my need for Christ and conversion to my spiritual growth after salvation, occurred over a period of several years.

     To properly comprehend my quest, one needs to understand who I was before the outset of my spiritual journey. One word encapsulates my previous self – pride. I was the master of my own universe; I was completely self-sufficient; and I was absolutely arrogant. I was an atheist through and through, but I studied philosophy and the Christian apologetic arguments so I could better defeat Christians in lay debates. Nevertheless, I also recognized the usefulness of what I considered the delusion of Christianity as a psychological crutch to help those with weak minds.

     Still, there was something in me that envied the “blissful ignorance” of the Christians. I saw the world as it really was, devoid of meaning and morality; I saw emptiness. And yet these Christians, who were not very different than me in life circumstances, seemed to be experiencing something else entirely. I saw life as a sort of accidental cesspool to be endured, and they saw it as a loving gift to be rejoiced in. I kept finding that my atheistic worldview was out of sync with how I felt about and experienced the world – how could I experience the world as terribly evil when there was no objective morality? I started nightly prayers to an unknown God to reveal to me the truth. After three years of nightly (or near nightly) prayer, God began opening my eyes.

To discern what was real after I realized I had been delusional, I began rereading old philosophy texts and Christian apologetics arguments I had become familiar with, but upon rereading them I started drawing different conclusions; the same old arguments that I dismissed previously with a wave of the hand were now compelling to me. After I grew comfortable enough with the persuasiveness of these arguments, and when I was convinced I wasn’t committing intellectual suicide, I started believing in the being of God. After more study and reflection on personal experiences, I concluded that Jesus was the Son of God. This conclusion not only brought truth into my life, but also brought with it the seeds of repentance – if Jesus is actually God, then I had a lot of explaining to do for my exceedingly sinful lifestyle. I begged for God’s forgiveness, and I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

Immediately after my conversion, I told everyone I knew about God. I was overcome with a newfound joy that I wanted to share with others. Later, I was baptized. My passion to tell people about God persisted, and I started focusing my thoughts on my personal holiness. After living the atheist’s lifestyle for so many years, I had many entrenched sins to fight against. Many of the sinful thoughts and actions I had previously enjoyed were now abhorrent to me. With prayer and determination, I began a lifelong process of change. Comparing who I am today with whom I was, I see a change so great that I’m no longer the same person.

All-in-all, I have to admit that I have regret that I came to Christ so late in life; I endured so much time without the conscious presence of God – so many Godly things I didn’t get to do and experience, and so many unholy things I did do and experienced. But the one thing I don’t regret is God opening my eyes through the process of me becoming severely ill. I cannot conceive of a more compelling way to convince my old self of the truth of God than by crushing all hope of finding truth apart from God. As I struggle daily with my illness, I have hope for a heavenly future where I’m whole and holy. Until then, I am comforted and encouraged by glimpses of heaven – short periods of worship marked by joy.

Eine Kleine Nacht Paranoia

Andrew Gadtke — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 02:28:39 GMT

Here is my first attempt at a Vblog. In this clip I very briefly discuss the paranoia I was feeling last night.

Ordway Interview

Andrew Gadtke — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 17:19:17 GMT

Here is the video of the interview I gave before the performance of Next to Normal at the Ordway in St. Paul. Enjoy!

Basic Presentation Given to the Wayzata Rotary Club

Andrew Gadtke — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:57:00 GMT

A couple of years ago I gave a basic presentation on mental illness to the Wayzata Rotary Club. I have posted the video below. Enjoy!

What's in a Name?

Andrew Gadtke — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 11:59:29 GMT

You may have picked up on my changed diagnosis – from paranoid schizophrenia to schizoaffective disorder. For those unfamiliar with the label schizoaffective disorder, it is simply the compound of two terms: schizophrenia and affective (mood) disorder (such has bipolar disorder or major depression). Psychiatrists now conceptualize there to be a spectrum of disorders, with a classic schizophrenic presentation on one and a classic mood disorder presentation on the other. My changed diagnosis indicates that it appears that I’m not really at the end of the schizophrenic side of the spectrum like previously thought, but rather somewhere more near the middle.

This was first hinted at early during my treatment due to subclinical mood swings. However, it wasn’t really confirmed for many years, as I had been relatively stable on meds and my dominate symptom has been paranoia. However, a little over a year ago I had gone off my medications (a story for another day), and within days I started becoming manic. Severe paranoia set in following the mania, and forced me back on medication. It was then that my diagnosis was changed to schizoaffective disorder, due to the presentation of a mixture of symptoms of both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

Due to the close relatedness of these disorders, our approach to treatment hasn’t been any different due to the new diagnosis. However, the prognosis for schizoaffective is better than that for schizophrenia and worse than bipolar disorder, so I suppose the change should spark some increased hope for me. To be completely honest, it hasn’t given me any new hope, but it has allowed me to understand better some of the impulsive things I had been doing, e.g. drinking, gambling, etc.

Back to Blogging . . . Again

Andrew Gadtke — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 01:16:53 GMT

Welcome to my new blog!

I haven't written in my blog for nearly a year, and I apologize for that. I have been struggling with my illness and have endured many ups and downs. Now that I'm quite stable and healthy again, I will be blogging once again.

As you have likely noticed, I've changed up the design of my blog a bit. I hope you like the new and improved look. I will try to write regularly, so please look for new blog topics, but please keep in mind that it is a struggle for me to keep on a schedule and please be forgiving if entries are added sporadically.

Warm Regards!

Sick with a Cold

Andrew Gadtke — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 02:39:00 GMT

Hello All,

I'm back from my trip to Duluth. For all intents and purposes, it went really well. I spoke on Thursday morning, and although I missed some information I wanted to cover, the audience responded well to what I had to say. Afterward, many were informing me of how good the presentation was. So I was pretty thrilled.

Now that I'm back home, things are a lot less stressful and relaxing. The only problem is that I know have a really bad cold. I suppose it is from being around so many people at the conference . . . sort of like going back to school in the fall and getting sick for the first few weeks. I'm drinking plenty of fluids and will try to rest over the next couple of days. That's about it.

I also met a very nice young lady at the conference, and . . . NOPE, I'm not going to write anything about her. She deserves her privacy.

Anyway, things are going well. I'll write again soon to let you know what is new this week.

Warmest Regards,
Andrew D. Gadtke

Stress-induced Paranoia

Andrew Gadtke — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 07:40:00 GMT

I have an interesting new development in life: some heightened paranoia. I have not had paranoia of this intensity since earlier this spring. I suppose it is the stress of my upcoming speech at the MACMHP conference in Duluth. I’ll explain what’s going on.

About four hours ago a couple of squad cars pulled up to my condo building. I was just going to go to bed, but was curious as to why the police were here. I didn’t find out, and they came and went. If that had been the end of it, perhaps I would be sleeping now. Instead, they have been patrolling outside my building with drive-bys every few minutes. This has gotten me paranoid that they were coming for me, and so I have been refusing to let myself rest, lest they come to kill me in my sleep. After about two hours of paranoia and anxiety, I picked up my cell and called 911. I told the dispatcher that I had noticed the police patrolling outside my building and was wondering if I were safe. She told me the officers were looking for someone earlier, and now just happened to be driving by to go to other calls.

I don’t know what to make of that. I think she . . . well, I don’t know what to think. The police might still be coming to kill me, and so I’m going to have to stay awake. This is just what I don’t need right now. I’ll try to get some sleep later today.

Upcoming Speech at MACMHP conference in Duluth

Andrew Gadtke — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 18:52:00 GMT

As of late, I have felt a little unmotivated. I guess I’m always a little unmotivated; what I mean is that I’m a little more unmotivated than usual. Ordinarily this wouldn’t be too much of a problem, since I don’t have much in life depending on me. This time is different.

In less than a week I will be giving a speech at the Minnesota Association of Community Mental Health Programs’ annual conference in Duluth. I’ve been working on my remarks, but they are not polished as of yet. Over the next few days I will really have to put my nose to the grindstone and overcome this unmotivated state, all the while trying to keep my stress levels low so that I’m healthy enough to give a good presentation in Duluth. If you are in the area, check out the conference and be sure to stop by and say hello.

Much is New

Andrew Gadtke — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:13:00 GMT

Hello Faithful Blog Readers,
Much is new and a lot of has been happening lately. No worries, mostly good stuff, and I will write about them very soon. Please look for them.
Regards,
Andrew D. Gadtke

Feeling a Little Better

Andrew Gadtke — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Hi all,
I'm feeling a little better from my last blog entry. I got some sleep, and I think that helped. I'll write more again later tonight.
--Andrew

Impending Doom

Andrew Gadtke — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:17:00 GMT

I've never written about symptoms as I am having them. I am going to today, if what I'm experiencing is a symptom. All day long I have felt an overwhelming since of impending doom. I feel something very bad is going to happen to me. I have been on an extreme edge. For the past hour or so I have been watching the building security monitors on the television; I will see the killers coming at least. They are evil men. I hate them. And now I'm defenseless. I hate them more than anything and would commit the most heinous acts of evil against these killers if I weren't a Christian. They will come in sheeps clothing, that I know.
I have called my doctor and talked to the psychiatric nurse. She told me to take an extra dose of antipsychotic medication and try to relax, lower my stress, and sleep. I have done so, and will likely fall asleep soon. If I wake, I will likely feel better. If I don't, then you know they have killed me.

Contentment is Short-lived

Andrew Gadtke — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:43:00 GMT

It appears that my fears of my contentment vanishing is turning into a reality. I will try to stave this off by relaxing and taking a break from working on my new book for a while. Time will tell if this will be enough.

My discontentment started last night when I realized that I would have to continue with the book writing instead of becoming an evangelist. It may be hyperreligiosity, but all I can think about is God and all I want to do is to talk about God with people. I have a need and a passion for evangelism. I have thought about several other books to write, but the nonfiction book (not the novel) I’m working on is the best possible book for me to write. And yet, I don’t have any motivation to write it. That is because it has nothing to do with faith. Even if I knew ahead of time it would sell a million plus copies, I still wouldn’t be motivated to write it.

Much in this life seems so meaningless. I get very little enjoyment out of the things most people find enjoyable. Are you doing anything meaningful in your life? I know I am not, at least not to a level I find worthwhile. I suppose I help people here and there with understanding mental illness. Still, I know the most important thing they need to know is the Gospel.

It is as if I walk down the street and see dying people. They are disfigured from spiritual starvation, and I know where they can find the spiritual bread that satisfies. I want to tell them, but they are in a daze. I want to shake them and scream at them. “It’s here; the bread you need is here!” But they keep on walking by, as if I hadn’t said a thing. And they will starve, and I cannot do anything about it.

When You Don't Know Your Limitations

Andrew Gadtke — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 01:20:00 GMT

I remember writing a blog entry very recently entitled “Strike When the Iron is Hot.” The entry was most about how knowing and working within your limitations helps you manage mental illness effectively. Well, all day today I threw my own advice out the window, and the results would have been bad had I not come to my senses early. I’ll explain:

I took my Seroquel last night around midnight, which was probably too late because I was super tired all morning and into the afternoon. I spent much of my time today napping, but when I was awake, I thinking up (scheming might be a better word) career ideas for myself. It all started with me starting to feel better. Once I start feeling better, I immediately think I can take on larger tasks, when in reality I am only better because I had stopped taking on such large tasks. That was the entire point of my earlier blog entry, and it is precisely the reason why I need to work within boundaries. However, since I was feeling good, I thought perhaps I could take on more as I didn’t feel so limited.

The idea I had this morning was to become a professional evangelist. I was going to toss aside any notion of being a mental health writer, and instead was going to focus all my efforts on evangelism. Thinking, studying, and discussion faith issues are my favorite things to do in life, and because I am healthier, I felt that perhaps I had recovered to the point where I could make this my calling. Who knows, perhaps I would be the next Billy Graham.

I discussed this with my mother, and she seemed to think I was being a bit grandiose and wasn’t taking into account my severe disability from this illness; she expressed that I would be under too much stress to stay healthy. She was probably right, but if this is a true calling from God, wouldn’t He keep me healthy? She also said to start small scale.

With those concerns in mind, I decided that I would start a church in my house. At first I would just hold a bible study for seekers and people who know very little about Christianity and want to be exposed to the basic beliefs. I then went to Northwestern bookstore and bought five good introductory bible study books. No one book seemed all that good, so I decided I would write my own bible study book. I was quite excited. I even contacted a student at the University of Minnesota who leads a Christian group on campus to inquire whether he would like to co-host this outreach.

But as the day wore on, I became less enthused by this idea. The practical problem is that no one would come. I would invite the few people I know, but they aren’t interested, and so I would have to start inviting people off the street, but I doubt they would be interested either. It does seem that America is Gospel-hardened. And besides, who has the right to hear the Gospel twice when there are people in this world who haven’t heard it once? Be that as it may, I realized that this idea would likely fail due to my limitations caused by my illness. Even though I’m feeling well, I have to realize I’m too sick to take on these large projects.

Instead, I will get back to writing my new book (I’m actually writing two new books, but I have decided to focus on the nonfiction book that will be the companion to Regular & Decaf instead of the novel I had begun). The book will definitely help people, but I’m not as excited about it because it is not my absolute passion.

This entire day has been a bit of a waste. I slept away much of it, and the rest I squandered pursing pipe dreams. In any case, the books cost me about $50, and right now I’m pretty much broke, so that was a poor choice.

Missed My Seroquel Last Night

Andrew Gadtke — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:43:00 GMT

I didn’t take my Seroquel last night. I just didn’t feel like going to sleep, so I opted not to take it (no worries, I just took my Abilify this morning and my thinking is clear). Without the Seroquel, I slept a total of zero hours – I’m still up. I was feeling so content now that my suffering has lifted that I didn’t want to go to bed for fear that this contentment would go away, and once I awoke I would be miserable once again.

I went out for coffee at five this morning, but Starbucks wasn’t open again. It was the second time this week that the opening baristas were late. So, I ended up driving to Caribou Coffee instead. My barista friend was working this morning, and it was nice to see her. As usual, I tried to make up some jokes to tell her, but I was drawing a blank this morning. Of course my friend thinks my jokes are incredibly stupid – usually they are puns involving a coffee theme, but I hope she appreciates the effort.

This past evening has been a time of reflection for me. I thought about the friends I have now (though they may be few, they are wonderful and I appreciate them), as well as all the efforts I have been doing over the past few years, both with the book and with my volunteering. All in all, I think I have really made a positive influence on people’s lives. I’m not trying to be self-congratulatory, but I think sometimes we all need to step back and appreciate our efforts, especially at times when we may doubt our contributions to the world. It was a George Bailey sort of evening, minus any sort of suicidal ideation. I think I will have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” again sometime soon. Great movie. Later today I’m getting together to watch the movie “Rudy” with a friend. The last time we got together to watch the movie I fell asleep, and although I promised I would stay awake this time, I’m wondering if I will fall asleep again not having slept last night.

Coming soon: Blog entries that are more thoughtful (I promise).

The Taste of Water

Andrew Gadtke — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 03:45:00 GMT

I don’t know what I want in life right now. I’m not confused, but for the first time in a long time I’m not thinking (or worrying or stressing) about my future. I’m just content living in the moment. And I’m realizing more that God is using me to impact people’s lives in a positive way; it’s a good feeling.

There is not much to write at the moment, and I’m sorry for that. I’m just content. At the moment there is nothing I would rather be doing, nothing I’d rather have in my life that I’m missing, nothing I’d rather avoid that I’m enduring. Total contentment.

It’s a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. My suffering has lifted completely. It’s not a weird or empty feeling – it’s not like when I first went on meds and felt empty because my paranoid delusions were taken away. It’s different than that. It’s more like the taste of water; there is nothing and yet it is refreshing and satisfying. I’m going to enjoy this for as long as I can this evening, and I will get back to writing tomorrow.

A Nostalgic Night

Andrew Gadtke — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:29:00 GMT

<:od>I went in to edit this entry, and it got deleted! Here is the gist of what I wrote:

I went back through my blog entries and watched the video of my appearance on Twin Cities Live. If you haven't seen it already, check it out. Simple go to my sidebar and look down to categories, and click on video. Also, I just watched a short documentary made by the Barbara Schneider foundation in which I am featured. I will try to attach the URL again.

Here is the URL for the BSF video:
http://www.thebarbaraschneiderfoundation.org/videos/whats_prob_video.html

Starting to Work on a New Book

Andrew Gadtke — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:02:00 GMT

I want to announce to my readers that in the past week I have started writing another book. I will keep the subject matter private until publication, but it can be read as a companion book to Regular & Decaf. Because I have been working so much on this new book, last week I sort of fell behind on keeping up with my blog. I will make every effort to keep this from happening. I will add another blog later tonight; please look for it.

A Few Drinks; A Few Thoughts

Andrew Gadtke — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 05:32:00 GMT

I went out for a few drinks tonight at a local restaurant and bar to ease my loneliness. I was able to chat with a few people, so I suppose it served its purpose. When I went out, however, I hadn’t thought about the fact that I’m now on Seroquel, and over the past few hours I have been paying for it big time in terms of feeling extremely nauseated. This experience has shown me that I can no longer drink alcohol. It shouldn’t be too difficult to give up, though when I’m at my loneliest, I do like to go out to the bar; it is the only place I know where strangers will talk to me without judging me. All of the bar regulars are there for their own hidden reasons, and each one has his or her own painful story.

My story is one primarily of loneliness. Ultimately, that is the reason why I end up frequenting such places. Of course there is more to my story than just loneliness, but I can deal with everything else, e.g. the loss of career potential, etc. without the alcohol. Oftentimes when I’m sitting at the bar I try to figure out why everyone else is there. Sometime it may just be “girls’ night out” or whatever, but of the faces I recognize, there is always a story. Most of the customers are men (no surprise there), and usually they are drinking away the pain of failed relationships. One the surface it may appear that they are trying to find women to date and/or take home for the night, but it is easy to see that underneath the façade they are drinking away their lives instead of drinking to start another one.

So when I’m sitting in the bar, I’m also thinking about the importance of relationships in life. I know that I cause myself quite a bit of stress trying to find a successful career for myself, but the career isn’t an end in itself; it is just a means to an end. The end I’m pursuing is a meaningful relationship. It seems pretty universal that meaningful relationships are what bring meaning to one’s life. It may be difficult for everyone to find meaningful relationships, but the difficulty has reached an entirely new extreme for people with mental illness. What are they to do?

The most common approach is just for the mentally ill to form romantic relationships and friendships with other people with mental illness. This may work to some degree, but it does have its limitations. Often in such relationships there is a lack of necessary support because each person is going through tough times and cannot properly be there to support the other person. Another approach would be for the mentally ill to form relationships with normal people, and while I have heard this can happen, my guess is that it is pretty rare that this works out. To those who have found a way to make it work, kudos.

The default position in which many of us find ourselves is to simply forgo romantic relationships altogether and interact almost exclusively with our families. That places an extra strain and burden on the family, and while it is quite far from ideal, it is often absolutely necessary.

Life with mental illness is tough. I can’t deny that. It is so full of loss and disappointment. As I sit here and write I have very few significant relationships, and I have decided to give up on romance entirely. I’m quite okay now that I have given up on trying to find a woman to love, but every now and then the fantasy of a life with a wife becomes salient in my mind. And after the initial jolt of hopefulness, all that is left is disappointment. And just when that occurs, it is usually time for another drink.

If You Received Your Miracle . . .

Andrew Gadtke — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 02:47:00 GMT

It is Saturday night. I’m home alone wrestling with my thoughts. I haven’t had much joy lately, though I’m sort of getting by in life. If my life were written down as a story, it would be difficult for the writer to convey to the reader that I’m still alive; I haven’t done anything for a long time – nothing too productive, nothing too fun. I do feel dead in life. One of the only things that lets me know I’m still alive is the pain I feel. It is the misery that convinces me that I’m still alive.

But as I sit here, I was pondering what I would do if I were miraculously healed. Healthy people sometimes have thoughts like these, but usually they are about money; what would I do if I won the lottery, and so forth. But as I sit here, I’m wondering what I would do if I were spontaneously healed. Would I go to medical school and become a psychiatrist? I’ve thought about it. Would I go into business? Thought about that too. I’ve asked myself this question in the past as well, and I have always drawn a blank. The reason being is that all my dreams had died – they were slaughtered by this horrific illness. Today, I ask myself the same question, and while the answer is not too important, the fact that there is an answer is. I have begun to dream again.

I have so much to write on this topic, and because I want to express myself clearly, I will wait on publishing anything more on it for the next few days until I can write it up well. Please look for it in the next few days. In the meantime, please ask yourself what you would do if you received your miracle. How would your life change?