Regular & Decaf Blog - Andrew D. Gadtke - 1.800.707.4756

Much is New

2009-11-03T02:13:00Z

Hello Faithful Blog Readers,
Much is new and a lot of has been happening lately. No worries, mostly good stuff, and I will write about them very soon. Please look for them.
Regards,
Andrew D. Gadtke

Feeling a Little Better

2009-10-23T21:09:00Z

Hi all,
I'm feeling a little better from my last blog entry. I got some sleep, and I think that helped. I'll write more again later tonight.
--Andrew

Impending Doom

2009-10-23T19:17:00Z

I've never written about symptoms as I am having them. I am going to today, if what I'm experiencing is a symptom. All day long I have felt an overwhelming since of impending doom. I feel something very bad is going to happen to me. I have been on an extreme edge. For the past hour or so I have been watching the building security monitors on the television; I will see the killers coming at least. They are evil men. I hate them. And now I'm defenseless. I hate them more than anything and would commit the most heinous acts of evil against these killers if I weren't a Christian. They will come in sheeps clothing, that I know.
I have called my doctor and talked to the psychiatric nurse. She told me to take an extra dose of antipsychotic medication and try to relax, lower my stress, and sleep. I have done so, and will likely fall asleep soon. If I wake, I will likely feel better. If I don't, then you know they have killed me.

Contentment is Short-lived

2009-10-22T14:43:00Z

It appears that my fears of my contentment vanishing is turning into a reality. I will try to stave this off by relaxing and taking a break from working on my new book for a while. Time will tell if this will be enough.

My discontentment started last night when I realized that I would have to continue with the book writing instead of becoming an evangelist. It may be hyperreligiosity, but all I can think about is God and all I want to do is to talk about God with people. I have a need and a passion for evangelism. I have thought about several other books to write, but the nonfiction book (not the novel) I’m working on is the best possible book for me to write. And yet, I don’t have any motivation to write it. That is because it has nothing to do with faith. Even if I knew ahead of time it would sell a million plus copies, I still wouldn’t be motivated to write it.

Much in this life seems so meaningless. I get very little enjoyment out of the things most people find enjoyable. Are you doing anything meaningful in your life? I know I am not, at least not to a level I find worthwhile. I suppose I help people here and there with understanding mental illness. Still, I know the most important thing they need to know is the Gospel.

It is as if I walk down the street and see dying people. They are disfigured from spiritual starvation, and I know where they can find the spiritual bread that satisfies. I want to tell them, but they are in a daze. I want to shake them and scream at them. “It’s here; the bread you need is here!” But they keep on walking by, as if I hadn’t said a thing. And they will starve, and I cannot do anything about it.

When You Don't Know Your Limitations

2009-10-22T01:20:00Z

I remember writing a blog entry very recently entitled “Strike When the Iron is Hot.” The entry was most about how knowing and working within your limitations helps you manage mental illness effectively. Well, all day today I threw my own advice out the window, and the results would have been bad had I not come to my senses early. I’ll explain:

I took my Seroquel last night around midnight, which was probably too late because I was super tired all morning and into the afternoon. I spent much of my time today napping, but when I was awake, I thinking up (scheming might be a better word) career ideas for myself. It all started with me starting to feel better. Once I start feeling better, I immediately think I can take on larger tasks, when in reality I am only better because I had stopped taking on such large tasks. That was the entire point of my earlier blog entry, and it is precisely the reason why I need to work within boundaries. However, since I was feeling good, I thought perhaps I could take on more as I didn’t feel so limited.

The idea I had this morning was to become a professional evangelist. I was going to toss aside any notion of being a mental health writer, and instead was going to focus all my efforts on evangelism. Thinking, studying, and discussion faith issues are my favorite things to do in life, and because I am healthier, I felt that perhaps I had recovered to the point where I could make this my calling. Who knows, perhaps I would be the next Billy Graham.

I discussed this with my mother, and she seemed to think I was being a bit grandiose and wasn’t taking into account my severe disability from this illness; she expressed that I would be under too much stress to stay healthy. She was probably right, but if this is a true calling from God, wouldn’t He keep me healthy? She also said to start small scale.

With those concerns in mind, I decided that I would start a church in my house. At first I would just hold a bible study for seekers and people who know very little about Christianity and want to be exposed to the basic beliefs. I then went to Northwestern bookstore and bought five good introductory bible study books. No one book seemed all that good, so I decided I would write my own bible study book. I was quite excited. I even contacted a student at the University of Minnesota who leads a Christian group on campus to inquire whether he would like to co-host this outreach.

But as the day wore on, I became less enthused by this idea. The practical problem is that no one would come. I would invite the few people I know, but they aren’t interested, and so I would have to start inviting people off the street, but I doubt they would be interested either. It does seem that America is Gospel-hardened. And besides, who has the right to hear the Gospel twice when there are people in this world who haven’t heard it once? Be that as it may, I realized that this idea would likely fail due to my limitations caused by my illness. Even though I’m feeling well, I have to realize I’m too sick to take on these large projects.

Instead, I will get back to writing my new book (I’m actually writing two new books, but I have decided to focus on the nonfiction book that will be the companion to Regular & Decaf instead of the novel I had begun). The book will definitely help people, but I’m not as excited about it because it is not my absolute passion.

This entire day has been a bit of a waste. I slept away much of it, and the rest I squandered pursing pipe dreams. In any case, the books cost me about $50, and right now I’m pretty much broke, so that was a poor choice.

Missed My Seroquel Last Night

2009-10-20T13:43:00Z

I didn’t take my Seroquel last night. I just didn’t feel like going to sleep, so I opted not to take it (no worries, I just took my Abilify this morning and my thinking is clear). Without the Seroquel, I slept a total of zero hours – I’m still up. I was feeling so content now that my suffering has lifted that I didn’t want to go to bed for fear that this contentment would go away, and once I awoke I would be miserable once again.

I went out for coffee at five this morning, but Starbucks wasn’t open again. It was the second time this week that the opening baristas were late. So, I ended up driving to Caribou Coffee instead. My barista friend was working this morning, and it was nice to see her. As usual, I tried to make up some jokes to tell her, but I was drawing a blank this morning. Of course my friend thinks my jokes are incredibly stupid – usually they are puns involving a coffee theme, but I hope she appreciates the effort.

This past evening has been a time of reflection for me. I thought about the friends I have now (though they may be few, they are wonderful and I appreciate them), as well as all the efforts I have been doing over the past few years, both with the book and with my volunteering. All in all, I think I have really made a positive influence on people’s lives. I’m not trying to be self-congratulatory, but I think sometimes we all need to step back and appreciate our efforts, especially at times when we may doubt our contributions to the world. It was a George Bailey sort of evening, minus any sort of suicidal ideation. I think I will have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” again sometime soon. Great movie. Later today I’m getting together to watch the movie “Rudy” with a friend. The last time we got together to watch the movie I fell asleep, and although I promised I would stay awake this time, I’m wondering if I will fall asleep again not having slept last night.

Coming soon: Blog entries that are more thoughtful (I promise).

The Taste of Water

2009-10-20T03:45:00Z

I don’t know what I want in life right now. I’m not confused, but for the first time in a long time I’m not thinking (or worrying or stressing) about my future. I’m just content living in the moment. And I’m realizing more that God is using me to impact people’s lives in a positive way; it’s a good feeling.

There is not much to write at the moment, and I’m sorry for that. I’m just content. At the moment there is nothing I would rather be doing, nothing I’d rather have in my life that I’m missing, nothing I’d rather avoid that I’m enduring. Total contentment.

It’s a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. My suffering has lifted completely. It’s not a weird or empty feeling – it’s not like when I first went on meds and felt empty because my paranoid delusions were taken away. It’s different than that. It’s more like the taste of water; there is nothing and yet it is refreshing and satisfying. I’m going to enjoy this for as long as I can this evening, and I will get back to writing tomorrow.

A Nostalgic Night

2009-10-20T00:29:00Z

<:od>I went in to edit this entry, and it got deleted! Here is the gist of what I wrote:

I went back through my blog entries and watched the video of my appearance on Twin Cities Live. If you haven't seen it already, check it out. Simple go to my sidebar and look down to categories, and click on video. Also, I just watched a short documentary made by the Barbara Schneider foundation in which I am featured. I will try to attach the URL again.

Here is the URL for the BSF video:
http://www.thebarbaraschneiderfoundation.org/videos/whats_prob_video.html

Starting to Work on a New Book

2009-10-19T22:02:00Z

I want to announce to my readers that in the past week I have started writing another book. I will keep the subject matter private until publication, but it can be read as a companion book to Regular & Decaf. Because I have been working so much on this new book, last week I sort of fell behind on keeping up with my blog. I will make every effort to keep this from happening. I will add another blog later tonight; please look for it.

A Few Drinks; A Few Thoughts

2009-10-14T05:32:00Z

I went out for a few drinks tonight at a local restaurant and bar to ease my loneliness. I was able to chat with a few people, so I suppose it served its purpose. When I went out, however, I hadn’t thought about the fact that I’m now on Seroquel, and over the past few hours I have been paying for it big time in terms of feeling extremely nauseated. This experience has shown me that I can no longer drink alcohol. It shouldn’t be too difficult to give up, though when I’m at my loneliest, I do like to go out to the bar; it is the only place I know where strangers will talk to me without judging me. All of the bar regulars are there for their own hidden reasons, and each one has his or her own painful story.

My story is one primarily of loneliness. Ultimately, that is the reason why I end up frequenting such places. Of course there is more to my story than just loneliness, but I can deal with everything else, e.g. the loss of career potential, etc. without the alcohol. Oftentimes when I’m sitting at the bar I try to figure out why everyone else is there. Sometime it may just be “girls’ night out” or whatever, but of the faces I recognize, there is always a story. Most of the customers are men (no surprise there), and usually they are drinking away the pain of failed relationships. One the surface it may appear that they are trying to find women to date and/or take home for the night, but it is easy to see that underneath the façade they are drinking away their lives instead of drinking to start another one.

So when I’m sitting in the bar, I’m also thinking about the importance of relationships in life. I know that I cause myself quite a bit of stress trying to find a successful career for myself, but the career isn’t an end in itself; it is just a means to an end. The end I’m pursuing is a meaningful relationship. It seems pretty universal that meaningful relationships are what bring meaning to one’s life. It may be difficult for everyone to find meaningful relationships, but the difficulty has reached an entirely new extreme for people with mental illness. What are they to do?

The most common approach is just for the mentally ill to form romantic relationships and friendships with other people with mental illness. This may work to some degree, but it does have its limitations. Often in such relationships there is a lack of necessary support because each person is going through tough times and cannot properly be there to support the other person. Another approach would be for the mentally ill to form relationships with normal people, and while I have heard this can happen, my guess is that it is pretty rare that this works out. To those who have found a way to make it work, kudos.

The default position in which many of us find ourselves is to simply forgo romantic relationships altogether and interact almost exclusively with our families. That places an extra strain and burden on the family, and while it is quite far from ideal, it is often absolutely necessary.

Life with mental illness is tough. I can’t deny that. It is so full of loss and disappointment. As I sit here and write I have very few significant relationships, and I have decided to give up on romance entirely. I’m quite okay now that I have given up on trying to find a woman to love, but every now and then the fantasy of a life with a wife becomes salient in my mind. And after the initial jolt of hopefulness, all that is left is disappointment. And just when that occurs, it is usually time for another drink.

If You Received Your Miracle . . .

2009-10-11T02:47:00Z

It is Saturday night. I’m home alone wrestling with my thoughts. I haven’t had much joy lately, though I’m sort of getting by in life. If my life were written down as a story, it would be difficult for the writer to convey to the reader that I’m still alive; I haven’t done anything for a long time – nothing too productive, nothing too fun. I do feel dead in life. One of the only things that lets me know I’m still alive is the pain I feel. It is the misery that convinces me that I’m still alive.

But as I sit here, I was pondering what I would do if I were miraculously healed. Healthy people sometimes have thoughts like these, but usually they are about money; what would I do if I won the lottery, and so forth. But as I sit here, I’m wondering what I would do if I were spontaneously healed. Would I go to medical school and become a psychiatrist? I’ve thought about it. Would I go into business? Thought about that too. I’ve asked myself this question in the past as well, and I have always drawn a blank. The reason being is that all my dreams had died – they were slaughtered by this horrific illness. Today, I ask myself the same question, and while the answer is not too important, the fact that there is an answer is. I have begun to dream again.

I have so much to write on this topic, and because I want to express myself clearly, I will wait on publishing anything more on it for the next few days until I can write it up well. Please look for it in the next few days. In the meantime, please ask yourself what you would do if you received your miracle. How would your life change?

The Worst Year of My Life

2009-10-10T21:45:00Z

After all the votes have been tallied, the winner for the worst year of my life is this current year, 2009. I would rather it be some year in the distance past of which I only have a few vague memories, but this year has won the title of the worst year of my life by far. The cause of my bad year might be many interconnected factors, all of which began with my insomnia.

It was earlier into January when I started having difficulty sleeping. In the past I was taking Abilify and Risperdal (both antipsychotic medications), and the Risperdal was fairly sedating; I would sleep about ten to twelve hours a day. When I went off the Risperdal early in 2008 (I think), I started having an increasingly difficult time sleeping, and by January of 2009 I was only sleeping about four to five hours a night. This trend of getting less and less sleep continued to the point where for the past six months or so, I have been getting only two to three hours of sleep a night. This is clearly not enough to stay healthy, physically or mentally.

At the same time, I began gaining weight very rapidly. So rapidly that I began to suspect I had Cushing’s disease, which is caused by a cortisol-secreting pituitary tumor and is characterized by a specific pattern of extreme weight gain. I had many tests done, and finally saw an expert in Milwaukee, WI. The tests did show I had elevated cortisol levels, but the expert thought it was likely caused by my mental illness instead of a pituitary tumor. If it were the tumor, one could excise it and the problem would be solved; if it were the mental illness, then I would be out of luck. It turns out my elevated cortisol levels were caused by my mental illness, so there is really nothing I can do about it.

Also during this time, my mood plummeted. I had very low mood (possibly even to the point of clinical depression, though I’m not sure it got quite that bad) for month after month. My misery seemed to be caused more by my situation in life than a chemical imbalance though, so I didn’t go on any antidepressant medication. Throughout this time I was very suicidal.

Taking this all into account, things have not been good this year. But the year is not over yet, and I am going to try to turn things around so that by the start of 2010, I will hit the ground running on a good path.

The first key to turning things around will be to start sleeping again. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I was prescribed the antipsychotic Seroquel to help me sleep. Well, last night I took the medication for the first time, and I slept a total of eight and a half hours, waking up only once for a half an hour around three in the morning. Even today I have felt tired because of the new medicine, so I think this is going to work out fabulously. I have to note, however, that Seroquel is associated with weight gain, and although I’m concerned about this side effect, I believe that if I’m sleeping more the rate at which I’m gaining weight will slow (or hopefully stop altogether). Time will tell.

I also believe that if I’m sleeping more, perhaps my mood will improve (my mood is already improving, though it started before the Seroquel, so maybe the addition of the med will just help even more) and I will be more motivated to be active, thus losing some of this extra weight.

This year has been a learning year. I have learned a lot about myself—what my limitations are and how I can best deal with this illness. And like much real life education, it wasn’t pleasant. I suppose this new knowledge is the redeeming element of this year. Sadder but wiser. Please don’t misunderstand me though, for I’m getting by all right now. Getting to this point has been a major struggle, but I’m already on the right path, ready for the next stage of this crazy journey.

Update on Upcoming Speeches

2009-10-09T16:34:00Z

        In the last couple of weeks, I have been contacted several times for future presentations and speeches on my book about schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I have been giving many speeches over the last four years or so, enough that I'm finally comfortable speaking in front of an audience, but I'm a little hesitant to take on some of these. It is as I wrote before, a matter of pacing.

        At the moment, I'm committed to several speeches in the next month or so. They are to the following groups: the freshman psychology seminar class at the University of Minnesota that is using my book as their text, the second year medical students at the University of Minnesota, the pastor care class at Luther Seminary, one (likely two) National Alliance of the Mentally Ill (NAMI) Family-to-Family classes, and a Crisis Intervention Team (CIT) training for the Hennepin Country Sheriffs Department. I hope I'm not forgetting anyone.

        There are more that I was offered but had to turn down, as I don't think it wise to take on any more than this for the moment. I would really like to speak more, for I find it really enjoyable, but it is quite wearing on me. I wish it weren't.

A Little Seroquel

2009-10-09T09:07:00Z

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist earlier today. He was quite pleased that I have started to feel a bit better, and still thinks I’m doing absolutely fabulous in terms of dealing with such a tough illness; I have to agree. The appointment lasted about forty-five minutes, and by the end, we had both agreed that I should add another medicine to the mix as a sleep aid.

Not sleeping has really been hard on me. Since last January, I’m averaging about two and a half hours of sleep per night (no, I’m not manic). In the same time I have gained an incredible amount of weight. But the worst part of insomnia is the boredom. But now that I’ve added another med, this time the anti-psychotic medicine Seroquel, I hope I will be able to sleep more. Hopefully I will get this prescription fill this afternoon.

Well, it is the middle of the night right now, so I will try to get back to bed. I just wanted to let my readers know the latest on my medication regimen.

Strike when the Iron is Hot

2009-10-09T02:48:00Z

From the time I started receiving treatment for paranoid schizophrenia up until recently, my motto has always been to strike when the iron is hot. The significance in my life of that old adage is that I never know for how long I will stay healthy (the course of this illness is undulating), so I better get as much productive work and play in while I’m feeling well; however, this has not been working out very well. Instead, I have come to realize my need to play it smart and pace myself. Pacing is the key to surviving schizophrenia.

After a lot of deliberation and self-analysis, I found that I’m disabled from some things but not everything. While it might be incredibly difficult to do manual labor or repetitive tasks, I can think on a deep and creative level quite easily. It seems I’m most disabled from entry level jobs, but I could possibly do the work at a higher up level, where there is more contemplation. Of course, no one starts at the top, so I find myself in a difficult position. But I reasoned that if I could get through college and finish up my degree, perhaps I would be able to do the entry level work after all (I am healthier than I was years ago, though it looks like I’ve reached a plateau). Accordingly, this fall I enrolled at the University of Minnesota to finish up my undergraduate degree in hope that the degree would springboard me into a career. I went into school guns blazing, but I ended up shooting myself in the foot.

You see, I was healthy at the time I started school, and because of my newly improved health, I decided to strike when the iron was hot. I went for too much too fast . . . and that was only taking one course (okay, so I had originally enrolled in two courses, but dropped one before even going to a single class). I pretty much knew immediately that it was too much for me to handle, but because I wanted it so desperately I continued to attend longer than I should have. Even after the very first day of school I had started to hallucinate, which I hadn’t done in about a year prior – not a good sign. While I was in school, I was having a terribly difficult time sustaining my attention and concentrating. It made sitting through class feel like a living hell. Many have said I could have just tuned out the professor and sat through class, but that wasn’t a possibility. For whatever reason, it is impossible for me not to pay attention to what is going on . . . it might be that my brain is structured that way, or else it could be because I’m generally on “high alert”, or both. I don’t know what it was, but the cognitive problems I was having in class made it impossible for me to go to class, and the stress of the deadlines was enough to cause me to have increased positive symptoms. So I had to drop out of college once again. I tried to strike when the iron was hot and I refused to pace myself.

But attempting to go back to school wasn’t a waste. I now have a better understanding of my limitations. What this means is that even when I’m feeling great, when I’m healthy, etc, I am not going to over-expose myself to higher stress levels than normal; the setbacks I get from over-exposure to stress are just too harmful to my wellbeing. This is especially true because I have a tendency to have suicidal thoughts after setbacks.

There is one problem though: because I’m trying to live my life with slow improvements that are sustainable over the long term, people look at me and my life and assume I’m taking no actions to better my situation—such just isn’t the case. If I’m unhealthy and doing little to nothing, no one bothers me about not achieving, but when I’m healthy and doing little to nothing, everyone seems to have to point out to me how lazy I have become (FYI: it isn’t laziness anyway, it is a negative symptom of my illness that is experienced as a lack of motivation). It is the long term that concerns me and overall I have been making some slow progress; in the beginning of my treatment I had done nothing, and now, about five years after the diagnosis, I have written a book, given many speeches, started a church ministry, and helped numerous people. It only appears I’m not making progress because it is slow progress. In the past I was dismayed about the slow pace of things, but now I’m realizing that is absolutely necessary.

The best advice I can give someone right now is to take your time. Just relax and take it easy. There is no point in rushing because it will only backfire on you as the stress mounts and the symptoms come cascading back again. Relax. You will be able to do something purposeful. You will have a meaningful life. It will just take time. Be the tortoise and not the hare—slow and steady wins the race. And who knows, maybe after years and years of struggling through the long race, you will find yourself an “overnight” success.

Hyperreligosity and Depravity of Man Sermon Jam

2009-10-08T22:33:00Z

Here is the second sermon jam.

Depravity of Man Sermon Jam

Hyperreligiosity and Suffering Sermon Jam

2009-10-08T22:21:00Z

For a while now, I have been having bouts of hyperreligiosity. It is a symptoms of schizophrenia defined as the excessive preoccupation with religion or the occult. When I have this symptom, I think about religion to the extreme and want to evangelize the world for Jesus Christ. I get to the point where I'm about one step away from preaching on a street corner somewhere. It offends everyone, and although I know my "preaching" will offend, I feel such a strong impulse that I cannot stop myself.

In one of these periods, I wrote out two short speeches (perhaps sermonettes would be a good name for them) and put them to beats, thus making two sermon jams of my own. I have decided to put them on the blog to aid in understanding the symptom of hyperreligiosity.

The first one is about suffering, and the second is about the depravity of man. Note: I cannot place two podcasts into the same blog entry, so the second sermon jam will be found above. Enjoy.

Suffering Sermon Jam

Who's to Blame?

2009-10-08T12:55:00Z

The stigma of mental illness is the branding of shame or disgrace that goes along with the illness. A better name might be prejudice. The most effective way to reduce the stigma of a mental illness is for normal people to have personal contact with the mentally ill. Stigma is a real issue, one I have been up against many times. It is especially pronounced in the reactions I get in trying to date. Despite the serious and real nature of stigma, I’m finding that I’m having an even larger problem when interacting with normal people. The problem is not with stigma, not with their prejudice; the problem is with me.

I have come to realize that the symptoms of my illness and the associated disability are causing the undesirable outcomes I have in interacting with normal people. It is difficult for anyone to make friends, I realize that, but due to my illness I am slightly awkward in my interactions with people. People are selective with whom they choose to spend time, and my illness causes me to be socially awkward enough that it tips the scales against the formation of new friendships. The same effect is at play in romantic relationships, but for me and many with mental illness, there is an even larger, hindering factor. That factor is the lack of a steady income.

Ignoring other obvious factors that prevent relationships, e.g. my morbid obesity, I find that women are not attracted to men who have no source of income. This is not necessarily conscious, but it is at the root of many of my problems in dating. Women know there is no future with chronically disabled men, as they cannot help provide for a family and are more likely to be a financial burden than anything else. This knowledge translates into unconscious attraction patterns that preclude me from consideration, as I haven’t a steady source of income.

While I would like to be able to say this is appalling and egregious, I completely understand such a thought process; there are real needs in life; the women are not to blame. I have a lot to offer a woman. I do. And still I wouldn’t date me if I were a woman. There is more to a relationship than romantic infatuation, and I can’t meet a woman’s needs – at least not right now. I’m continually making career efforts in hopes that someday I will be financially stable enough to be considered for a relationship and judged on other factors.

In the meantime I must battle my loneliness at every turn. And at the moment, it is a battle that I’m losing.

Correction from previous blog: the bipolar boy did not come at the police with a knife; instead, he was holding a knife to his mother’s throat.

What Happens in Vegas . . . the shooting of a bipolar boy?

2009-10-06T08:59:00Z

For the past week I have been staying with my parents in Las Vegas. It wasn’t so much a vacation for me as it was an effort by my parents to supervise me. They had planned long ago to spend a week in Nevada, but since I have been doing so poorly lately (including suicidal ideation) they thought it would be best not to leave me all alone in Minnesota. While I was here I read in the paper about the shooting death of a teenage boy with bipolar disorder. Apparently he came at the police with a knife, and the police opened fire. The boy died.

The facts of the incident were not in dispute, but the mother of the boy said less than lethal force should have been used. It is a tragic incident, and upon thinking of the situation more, I wish the advertising slogan were true – what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Unfortunately, such tragic confrontations between the mentally ill and law enforcement are found everywhere. Due to my recent hopelessness, however, my initial reaction to the incident was not outrage; I simply wondered if it were for the best (was it a suicide by cop?).

Life with severe and persistent mental illness is often too difficult. Even though I’m quite healthy and high functioning, sometimes I desire death. At least I do on the dark days, and I have had quite a few of them recently. It is a shameful thought, but I’m confident that everyone with SPMI could fess up to having such thoughts at times. But I don’t want to dwell too much on my own misery. All in all, this trip to Las Vegas has been good and it has served its purpose and beyond. I am still alive, and it seems that I’m finding more hope and enjoyment in life.

Technically, I am still a member of the board of directors of the Barbara Schneider Foundation (BSF). I say technically because I haven’t been to a board meeting in about a year, but I am still on the roster. BSF is a nonprofit organization that advocates and facilitates specialized training for law enforcement and corrections officers to better equip them in dealing with the mentally ill. Officers who have undergone the specialized training form teams called Crisis Intervention Teams (CIT) that respond to mental health related calls, including dealing with people who are manic or psychotic. Typically, law enforcement personal are taught to escalate the use of force up until the point of compliance by the involved civilian. The idea in CIT is to deescalate crisis situations in a way that doesn’t involve the escalating use of force, because escalating force is not particularly effective with those who have mental illness.

For instance, imagine a man with schizophrenia who has become psychotic with paranoid delusions about people trying to harm him. Then imagine a police officer barking commands at the paranoid individual while escalating force. Suddenly, the officer is unknowingly playing into the individual’s paranoia, thus provoking a confrontation that threatens the safety of both the individual with schizophrenia and the police officer. Due to the illness and the officer’s typical escalating force approach, the two are pitted against each other, often with tragic outcomes.

The formation of CIT is a good step forward, but it is only a band-aid on a large gash. There needs to be a way of limiting the number and severity of relapses into mania and psychosis, if not preventing them altogether. Officers are often called in to clean up the mess, but it is really an entire, well-functioning mental health community that is necessary to help a mentally ill individual and prevent crisis from occurring. Preventing relapse would be like hitting a jackpot, but since the issues involved are complicated and expensive, I think the odds of success might be better here in a Vegas casino.

A Return to Writing

2009-05-25T00:02:00Z

Hello all,
I have decided to come back to writing my blog. I have had a lot of ups and downs over the past few months, and I will write about them shortly. I intend to revamp my blog site, so once that is done I will seriously focus on keeping up the blog. I hope you will enjoy reading about my thoughts and experiences.
My best,
Andrew D. Gadtke