A Testimony by Andrew D. Gadtke
 
     Up until the age of twenty-four, I had always considered all religious thinking to be delusional. I was a scientist who sought after truth, after all, and I knew better – I had an impeccable mind for sifting through these ill-conceived ideas of faith. But all of that changed when I was told by a psychiatrist on October 15, 2004 that I had paranoid schizophrenia, an illness characterized by a person’s inability to understand the truth about reality. My lifelong goal had been to find truth, but the psychiatrist told me that my mind was cut off from the truth, imprisoned inside a world of delusion. What followed was the beginning of my quest for spiritual truth. The important aspects of this quest, ranging from my life at the outset through identifying my need for Christ and conversion to my spiritual growth after salvation, occurred over a period of several years.

     To properly comprehend my quest, one needs to understand who I was before the outset of my spiritual journey. One word encapsulates my previous self – pride. I was the master of my own universe; I was completely self-sufficient; and I was absolutely arrogant. I was an atheist through and through, but I studied philosophy and the Christian apologetic arguments so I could better defeat Christians in lay debates. Nevertheless, I also recognized the usefulness of what I considered the delusion of Christianity as a psychological crutch to help those with weak minds.

     Still, there was something in me that envied the “blissful ignorance” of the Christians. I saw the world as it really was, devoid of meaning and morality; I saw emptiness. And yet these Christians, who were not very different than me in life circumstances, seemed to be experiencing something else entirely. I saw life as a sort of accidental cesspool to be endured, and they saw it as a loving gift to be rejoiced in. I kept finding that my atheistic worldview was out of sync with how I felt about and experienced the world – how could I experience the world as terribly evil when there was no objective morality? I started nightly prayers to an unknown God to reveal to me the truth. After three years of nightly (or near nightly) prayer, God began opening my eyes.

    
     To discern what was real after I realized I had been delusional, I began rereading old philosophy texts and Christian apologetics arguments I had become familiar with, but upon rereading them I started drawing different conclusions; the same old arguments that I dismissed previously with a wave of the hand were now compelling to me. After I grew comfortable enough with the persuasiveness of these arguments, and when I was convinced I wasn’t committing intellectual suicide, I started believing in the being of God. After more study and reflection on personal experiences, I concluded that Jesus was the Son of God. This conclusion not only brought truth into my life, but also brought with it the seeds of repentance – if Jesus is actually God, then I had a lot of explaining to do for my exceedingly sinful lifestyle. I begged for God’s forgiveness, and I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

     Immediately after my conversion, I told everyone I knew about God. I was overcome with a newfound joy that I wanted to share with others. Later, I was baptized. My passion to tell people about God persisted, and I started focusing my thoughts on my personal holiness. After living the atheist’s lifestyle for so many years, I had many entrenched sins to fight against. Many of the sinful thoughts and actions I had previously enjoyed were now abhorrent to me. With prayer and determination, I began a lifelong process of change. Comparing who I am today with whom I was, I see a change so great that I’m no longer the same person.

     All-in-all, I have to admit that I have regret that I came to Christ so late in life; I endured so much time without the conscious presence of God – so many Godly things I didn’t get to do and experience, and so many unholy things I did do and experienced. But the one thing I don’t regret is God opening my eyes through the process of me becoming severely ill. I cannot conceive of a more compelling way to convince my old self of the truth of God than by crushing all hope of finding truth apart from God. As I struggle daily with my illness, I have hope for a heavenly future where I’m whole and holy. Until then, I am comforted and encouraged by glimpses of heaven – short periods of worship marked by joy.