I remember writing a blog entry very recently entitled “Strike When the Iron is Hot.” The entry was most about how knowing and working within your limitations helps you manage mental illness effectively. Well, all day today I threw my own advice out the window, and the results would have been bad had I not come to my senses early. I’ll explain:

    I took my Seroquel last night around midnight, which was probably too late because I was super tired all morning and into the afternoon. I spent much of my time today napping, but when I was awake, I thinking up (scheming might be a better word) career ideas for myself. It all started with me starting to feel better. Once I start feeling better, I immediately think I can take on larger tasks, when in reality I am only better because I had stopped taking on such large tasks. That was the entire point of my earlier blog entry, and it is precisely the reason why I need to work within boundaries. However, since I was feeling good, I thought perhaps I could take on more as I didn’t feel so limited.

    The idea I had this morning was to become a professional evangelist. I was going to toss aside any notion of being a mental health writer, and instead was going to focus all my efforts on evangelism. Thinking, studying, and discussion faith issues are my favorite things to do in life, and because I am healthier, I felt that perhaps I had recovered to the point where I could make this my calling. Who knows, perhaps I would be the next Billy Graham.

    I discussed this with my mother, and she seemed to think I was being a bit grandiose and wasn’t taking into account my severe disability from this illness; she expressed that I would be under too much stress to stay healthy. She was probably right, but if this is a true calling from God, wouldn’t He keep me healthy? She also said to start small scale.

    
    With those concerns in mind, I decided that I would start a church in my house. At first I would just hold a bible study for seekers and people who know very little about Christianity and want to be exposed to the basic beliefs. I then went to Northwestern bookstore and bought five good introductory bible study books. No one book seemed all that good, so I decided I would write my own bible study book. I was quite excited. I even contacted a student at the University of Minnesota who leads a Christian group on campus to inquire whether he would like to co-host this outreach.

    But as the day wore on, I became less enthused by this idea. The practical problem is that no one would come. I would invite the few people I know, but they aren’t interested, and so I would have to start inviting people off the street, but I doubt they would be interested either. It does seem that America is Gospel-hardened. And besides, who has the right to hear the Gospel twice when there are people in this world who haven’t heard it once? Be that as it may, I realized that this idea would likely fail due to my limitations caused by my illness. Even though I’m feeling well, I have to realize I’m too sick to take on these large projects.

    Instead, I will get back to writing my new book (I’m actually writing two new books, but I have decided to focus on the nonfiction book that will be the companion to Regular & Decaf instead of the novel I had begun). The book will definitely help people, but I’m not as excited about it because it is not my absolute passion.

    This entire day has been a bit of a waste. I slept away much of it, and the rest I squandered pursing pipe dreams. In any case, the books cost me about $50, and right now I’m pretty much broke, so that was a poor choice.