After all the votes have been tallied, the winner for the worst year of my life is this current year, 2009. I would rather it be some year in the distance past of which I only have a few vague memories, but this year has won the title of the worst year of my life by far. The cause of my bad year might be many interconnected factors, all of which began with my insomnia.

    It was earlier into January when I started having difficulty sleeping. In the past I was taking Abilify and Risperdal (both antipsychotic medications), and the Risperdal was fairly sedating; I would sleep about ten to twelve hours a day. When I went off the Risperdal early in 2008 (I think), I started having an increasingly difficult time sleeping, and by January of 2009 I was only sleeping about four to five hours a night. This trend of getting less and less sleep continued to the point where for the past six months or so, I have been getting only two to three hours of sleep a night. This is clearly not enough to stay healthy, physically or mentally.

    At the same time, I began gaining weight very rapidly. So rapidly that I began to suspect I had Cushing’s disease, which is caused by a cortisol-secreting pituitary tumor and is characterized by a specific pattern of extreme weight gain. I had many tests done, and finally saw an expert in Milwaukee, WI. The tests did show I had elevated cortisol levels, but the expert thought it was likely caused by my mental illness instead of a pituitary tumor. If it were the tumor, one could excise it and the problem would be solved; if it were the mental illness, then I would be out of luck. It turns out my elevated cortisol levels were caused by my mental illness, so there is really nothing I can do about it.

    Also during this time, my mood plummeted. I had very low mood (possibly even to the point of clinical depression, though I’m not sure it got quite that bad) for month after month. My misery seemed to be caused more by my situation in life than a chemical imbalance though, so I didn’t go on any antidepressant medication. Throughout this time I was very suicidal.

    Taking this all into account, things have not been good this year. But the year is not over yet, and I am going to try to turn things around so that by the start of 2010, I will hit the ground running on a good path.

    The first key to turning things around will be to start sleeping again. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I was prescribed the antipsychotic Seroquel to help me sleep. Well, last night I took the medication for the first time, and I slept a total of eight and a half hours, waking up only once for a half an hour around three in the morning. Even today I have felt tired because of the new medicine, so I think this is going to work out fabulously. I have to note, however, that Seroquel is associated with weight gain, and although I’m concerned about this side effect, I believe that if I’m sleeping more the rate at which I’m gaining weight will slow (or hopefully stop altogether). Time will tell.

    I also believe that if I’m sleeping more, perhaps my mood will improve (my mood is already improving, though it started before the Seroquel, so maybe the addition of the med will just help even more) and I will be more motivated to be active, thus losing some of this extra weight.

    This year has been a learning year. I have learned a lot about myself—what my limitations are and how I can best deal with this illness. And like much real life education, it wasn’t pleasant. I suppose this new knowledge is the redeeming element of this year. Sadder but wiser. Please don’t misunderstand me though, for I’m getting by all right now. Getting to this point has been a major struggle, but I’m already on the right path, ready for the next stage of this crazy journey.