If you haven't listened to the Schizophrenia is . . . Podcast yet, please go to the previous entry and listen to it. That will make this entry make more sense. Because I thought Bill's questions to me were very important, I'm responding to him in this entry so that more people are likely to see my answers.

Bill's Comments:

Andrew,
What a powerful posting. I really gained greater insights into what schizophrenia has meant in your life. I was struck by the loneliness of many of your statements and how alienated you felt from family and friends, from what it sounds like of many years, a like. I was wondering what the biggest contributing factor to the loss of these relationships and friendships was. Did you have thoughts of fearing friends' contact? Was it difficult to interact in social settings? You seem to have made tremendous progress since that time, and I am so happy to hear that you feel positive and motivated once again. You are a gift to us!
Thanks so much,
Bill

My response:

What was the biggest contributing factor to the loss of these relationships and friendships?

That is not an easy question to answer, but I believe there are several interrelated factors:

First, I tend to isolate myself socially (and otherwise) when I'm paranoid. I retreat to a safer place and take a defensive position. Therefore, when I'm paranoid I don't participate in friendships, and the causes the friends I have to move on.

Second, when I'm paranoid I don't try to meet new people, and so that prevents me from making new friends. This is a safety thing as well, as I can't trust new people.

Third, when I'm experiencing negative symptoms (loss of motivation, severe apathy, loss of enjoyment, etc.), all I want to do is sit around and smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. Therefore, friends I have won't want to hang out with me because they will be too bored with doing nothing, and they will move on to more exciting people.

Did you have thoughts of fearing friends' contact?

I did have thoughts of fearing friends' contact. I remember once I met a nice guy in a psychology class of mine at the University of Minnesota, but when I found out that he used to be in the Navy, I had to stop a friendship that was just forming. The reason being I thought perhaps he was actually working for the Office of Naval Intelligence—a military spy befriending me for sinister reasons.

Was it difficult to interact in social settings?

It was and still is very difficult for me to interact in social settings. This is particularly true the more people there are. If I'm interacting with someone one on one, I'm pretty comfortable (unless it is a particularly striking woman). But more than that gets pretty difficult for me. Large events are the worst on me, usually due to all the commotion involved, but the reason for that might be slightly different than the reasons for awkward social interactions with people. Even something as simple as eye contact is very difficult for me. I naturally don't make eye contact much, and so I have to force myself to make eye contact with people. The only problem is that I don't know how long is normal to look, and I become self-consious of this. When I'm around people I know very well, however, I'm actually quite comfortable and can interact well.